i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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