i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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