Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
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