I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
