he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
