I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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