It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
