Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
