We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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