got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
