you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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