I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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