We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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