I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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