i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
