I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
