My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
She said her name was "party"
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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