Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
