i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
i think my cat just said my name.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
