I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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