Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
