when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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