I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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