nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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