He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
