I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
