I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
