I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Randomize
