I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
