Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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