I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
