I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
