I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
