i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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