im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
