did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
