if you like me you must not know who I am
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I would ride that face into the sunset
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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