I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
