i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
COCAINE IS GR8
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
