Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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