if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
