Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
