Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
