btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
