You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
