Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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