I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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