At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
