my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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