Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
