How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
