i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
