My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
