I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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