Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
