Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
