I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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