I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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