Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
