I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Randomize
