I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
